Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
