my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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