Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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