I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
