The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
