I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
