It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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