You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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