Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
