I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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