It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
