I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
