I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
accomplished twins. life is a go
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
