I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
