Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
