That's when you crack a 10am beer
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
being pregnant is like rehab
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
