i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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