a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
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You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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