if only i could text you this smell
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
