just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
