you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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