I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
