thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
