Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
