Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
