Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
