Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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