i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
