Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
