i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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