Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
