Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
