New game: find the sober person in Tbell
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
