Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
