I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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