When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
my liver is dry heaving
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
