he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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