Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
