I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
