Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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