You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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