I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
