The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
