Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
