my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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