I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
