dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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