So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
