my phone needs a breathalizer
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
