one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
