He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
