you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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