so explain again why im purple
no
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have tasted many bathrooms
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
