Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
