I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
