I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
