Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
