We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
