Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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